Trumpeter 4 Europe

(A tale for our modern times)

“All things that move between the quiet poles Shall be at my command: emperors and kings Are but obeyed in their several provinces.” Dr Faustus

Credit rating agencies are an indispensable part of the modern world. Without them how would we know what is going to be valuable? Recently one of them threatened almost all the major countries of Europe with a credit downgrade. But is the limit of their ambitions merely continental? Do they have plans to expand their market share of reality?

The following conversation was reported by a brand new news agency called ‘Agents Hacking All’ (AHA), set up by journalists and investigators who served time together in gaol. They hacked into a conversation between a credit rating agency spokesman (CRAS) and extra-terrestrials (ET) interested in Earth as part of their pan-galactic investments. AHA reports the following conversation in transmissions they intercepted.

Transmission intercept begins.

Mr CRAS: We at Standards 4 the Very Rich are extremely proud of our record. Without our assessments the US economy would not in the health it is today. In Europe governments rise or fall on our word, such is the power of our accuracy. You can be confident in our ratings and advice Mr ET.

Mr ET: So how is the Earth doing?

Mr CRAS: According to the latest figures from the IMF (International Monetary Fund) the world has moved into a global trade surplus with the rest of the universe. From having a global trade deficit of 0.5% of GDP (Global Domestic Product) in 2001 we have moved to a surplus of 0.6% of GDP this year, and the surplus is projected to rise to 0.8% by 2014. So we at Standards 4 the Very Rich have up-graded Earth to a AAA credit rating. Now is a good time to buy into as much of the Earth as you can Mr ET.

Mr ET: But what about the people? Won’t they be angry and resentful about aliens buying up their planet?

Mr CRAS: Yes, their sentimentality is a problem. They think of the Earth as being their homeland, the place where their children and grandchildren will grow up: a sort of mother to the human species. But I assure you that will change. With enough of the appropriate advertising they will come to recognise that the Earth is all just real-estate.

Mr ET: Our surveillance shows that many parts of Earth are ruled by sub-prime politicians of exceptional incompetence or cruelty, or both. What about them?

Mr CRAS: We are dealing with that. We are having a series of revolutions, civil wars, coups and elections -some rigged, some not - to improve the quality of all politicians. We of the credit rating agencies have been destroying sub-prime governments as fast as we can in Europe. We are planning to set up a licensing system for governments so that to stay in power they will have to get a Credit Rating Agency Seal of Approval (CRASA). Our aim is that only CRASA governments will rule the Earth. Our ideal is the UK, which has almost always had CRASA governments. You can be certain that our CRASA governments will always protect your investments and your banks, come what may.

Mr ET: Our surveillance shows that your planetary climate is changing. Will that damage our investments if we buy into Earth?

Mr CRAS: Those changes are much exaggerated by sentimentalists. I assure you a world of CRASA governments will allow you to maximise your profits without having to worry about climate change either happening, or being prevented.

Mr ET: Yours is a small planet. Do you have a long-term future with your limited resources, growing population, and rapidly increasing demand for all commodities needed in your machine based level of civilisation?

Mr CRAS: Temporary problems. We are continually finding new resources, population rise is levelling off, and new technologies will immensely improve our efficiency of resource use.

Mr ET: That certainly sounds plausible.

Mr CRAS: Plausibility and credibility is what high finance is all about here on Earth. As your surveillances must have shown you.

Mr ET: Yes. But what do others think?

Mr CRAS: We credit agencies try to move in a herd. Our colleagues at “Fidgety and Gloomy” concur in our AAA rating for the future of the Earth; as do others. And it is best to buy now whilst the resources of Earth are easy to exploit and temporary problems are in their least troublesome phase.

Mr ET: You are persuasive Mr CRAS. We’ll buy into Earth. But where should we begin?

Mr CRAS: It’s obvious - Europe. There are plenty of assets going cheap there. Lots of governments and banks are having to sell off assets to re-finance themselves after our credit downgrades. But do hurry Mr ET. There are many US banks whose reserves are flush with dollars provided by the policy of quantitative easing of the US Federal Reserve. All those newly created dollars need somewhere to go to make profits for their owners. So hurry Mr ET. Buy as much of Europe as you can while it is cheap and before others buy it.

Mr ET: Mr CRAS you are astute. We’ll begin buying Europe whilst its assets are going cheaply in its present financial crisis. Thank you for your advice. Your fee will be a percentage of the Earth as set out in our contract. Goodbye for now.

Mr CRAS: Agreed. See you on Earth.

End of transmission intercept. 

And on AAA rated Earth they all lived happily ever after.

Kevin Hannon, Chairman West Midlands European Movement. (7.12.2011)